Sven often forgets that he and Ole are brothers. The forgetting is what is so entertaining to others. Reminds me of a story:
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Vy sure," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Ver ya from?"
"Norvay," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay."
Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?"
"Bergen," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have anudder drink to old Bergen."
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?"
"On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man.
"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."
OK, here's my favorite Ole and Sven joke.....
Ole, Sven and Tor were pals. They went out drinking all the time, they worked together too. One day there was a terrible disaster on the job. An explosion burnt Ole to a crisp, though Tor and Sven escaped unhurt.
Since they were the only three working on the site, the medical examiner called Tor and Sven in to ID Ole. Sven looked at the burnt body and said "turn 'im over" and they did. Sven said "Nope, that's not Ole"..... So the medical examiner then called in Tor. Tor did the same thing. He asked that the body be turned over and he also insisted that the dead man wasn't Ole.
Now the medical examiner was perplexed. They all KNEW this was Ole, and that nobody else was working in that area. So he questioned the two men further, wondering why they asked that Ole's body be turned over before the decided it was or wasn't him. Both fellows explained that it couldn't be Ole, because Ole had two *******s. The medical examiner said, "now boys, NObody has two *******s. Both guys said "OH NO! Ole had two *******s"
So he asked them how they knew that to be true? Sven explained carefully, that everywhere they went together everyone said "There goes Ole again with the two *******s."
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My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************ Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
****************************** Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
****************************************** Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
************************************** Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
**************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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"We must be the change we wish to see in the world" M. Gandhi
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book" she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?')
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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If your not living life on the edge, your taking up too much space.
Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender yells at Jim, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
Jim says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim "He eats everything in sight, the little pig, Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies Jim.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. Breast-fed, she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
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If your not living life on the edge, your taking up too much space.
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart what do you think I shoulddo?"
He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4
A wife strolls into the local tatoo shop. she starts talkin to the artist. she says wants a tattoo with fireworks and "4th of july" on one inner thigh, and a xmastree with presents under it on the other inner thigh. When the artist asked her why she chose those things, especially on the tender inner thigh. She stated, "I'm tired of my husband complaining there's never anything good to eat between the holidays".
